“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
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[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
classic mixup
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”