DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
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Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.