[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
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subtitles are so good nowadays
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
channeling her this year
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote