If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
You Might Also Like
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes