yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
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News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.