WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
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I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
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#GeekySongsAndShows
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
can’t catch a break
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that