Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
A roof is a house hat.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT