Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
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[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Phones down.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Swedish for common sense.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.