My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
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[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
“You’d better run, egg!”
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
When news reporters do sports stories
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs