The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
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I got soap in my shower beer again.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Meow?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.