Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
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sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.