Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
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you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
accurate
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.