(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
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Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals