Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
You Might Also Like
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.