Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
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A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’