I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
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Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely