Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
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Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.