What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
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You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed