Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
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Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Holy moly
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.