{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
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My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest