trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
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Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
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*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”