*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
You Might Also Like
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
(Gaming support cat.)
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.