Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
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You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Lmfaoooooo
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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