A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
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Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”