17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
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*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
who called it hell and not heaven’t