I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
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6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre