Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules