My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
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My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Möther may I have a snäck
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.