My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me