if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Solving a traffic jam
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.