Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
You Might Also Like
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Breaking news:
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
They did not miss in the small print
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next