It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
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Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms