I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Meowchelangelo
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?