Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
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“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
when revenge coincides with naptime
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips