What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
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ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
i was baptized in a car wash
*jazz hands*
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this