One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
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Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”