Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
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3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Who says great literature is dead?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
put ‘er there pardner!
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.