I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
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[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I can also cook 😂
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?