There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
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This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
So, can we agree on 4 or
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away