…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
water it, i dare you
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”