*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.