To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
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Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.