To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Check your privilege
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!