Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
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I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings