When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
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Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else