HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
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Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.