barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
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In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.