Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
You Might Also Like
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Made something I’m not proud of
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.