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Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
āItās fine. Iāll get over it.ā
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
No one girl should have all that power. š
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Wife: I canāt remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
What I say:
Please donāt jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! šš„³š„³š„³ they left a first-floor window unlocked and iām just walking around in here!
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I donāt have to go to a party
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
New Mom: I bought my kidsā Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: Thatās cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they canāt change their minds 800 times.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like Iām taking a piss on the set of the movie āSawā
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? Iām having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: Iām 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like Iām not the only dinosaur here
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was āwatching tvā
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward