I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
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[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.